Well things are all better from my last few posts.
Thanks for your comments, advise and prayers, they did some ground breaking things.

So, ya Im actually doing really good...except I have caught the flu that seems to have been going around the community here...blast...I HATE being sick. Allthough, I have been able to reply to emails, complete assingments and finish more paperwork in the last 2 hours, then I have in the last 2 weeks. So I suppose there is some benefit to being too weak to party. And its a whole body flu too...muscles, ears, stomach, throut, fever, head...ahhh.

I should write long blogs abuot my issues more often...it racks up the comments.

So I hear everyhting you say about revolution vs rebellion and all that stuff. And the thing is I totally agree. LIke I KNOW in my head thats what is good, but I dont beleive in my heart it can happen.

Like I KNOW that it is for freedom I have been set free. And I KNOW he who the son sets free is free. I KNOW Jesus brings freedom, and that there is freedom for captives...but I do not belive in my heart, that I can be free. I know and believe you and the next guy can be free, but me? not at all.

Same things goes with my identity. The identity I have chosen to walk in is rebel, becuase I have insecurityis with anything else because anything becomes unframilar and new. So I have been challenged recently to listen to God on what he thinks of me. Yet I cannot accept anything he says. He may say Im strong or that I am beautiful or whatever, and I KNOW its from God...but there is some block that my heart will not beleive it.

And its so fruststrating, becuase my head knows, but my heart wont recieve. This goes with my identigy, my security, freedom and holiness...I know all are attainable and simple to get, but my heart doenst know that. I KNOW its simple, but I beleive it has to be hard.

Have I ever told you I love going through the refiners fire....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I was at my friends sentancing today. She got a life sentance, serving the minimum before elegibal for parole. So basically she was deemed guilty but got the minimum sentancing for it. So with good behaviour she can get out on parole in 10 years. She'll be 32 and Ill be 31 when that happens. Crazy.

The verdict was in, she was declared guilty. We all knew it was over, and we couldnt do anything to change anything, but it didnt kick in unill the judge actually spoke the sentancy..I cried. I think that makes a grand total of 2 times I have cried this year.

While I was in the courtroom I couldnt help but parrell it. As Hannah was sitting there before the sentancing you could just read off her "I know I screwed up, and I cant do anything about it now" and I began thinking about sin with the Lord. Like I look at what im going through right now and I think "I know Ive screwed up and I cant do anything about it now...my judgemnt is due" Under Canadian Law, the sentance for murder is life. Yet with Hannah, she can get out in 10 years. Under Canadian law she doesnt deserve that. Its like Gods grace. Ive allowed myself to get caught up in lies, and rebellion and seeking human approval then Gods, and I dont deserve anything. I deserve to be sentanced to life in Hell, I deserve to be kicked out and laughed at, I deserve to be spat out of the mouth of God, yet its his grace that Im given forgivness and love.

I dont get His grace. So undeserved, yet so free.

so ive been in a wierd place these last few months.
warning this may be a longer post...but do take time reading it, it is my heart pourred out.
each paragraph is a new though.

God has been revealing alot of stuff to me, showing me alot of stuff, and I have been choosing to ignore it really. But now, I am accepting it...read on.

After a conversation with my good friend Mia (Its her birthday today too!) I have come to the conclution that i have used my spiritual gifts to serve Satan...

Example A.
Mercy. As you may have read on a recent post of mine I play the merciful comfortor sometimes. If i have a friend who is in sexual sin, I will be all compassionate and mericful and serve Satan by rather then speaking truth and saying "stop its wrong" ill be the shoulder to cry on and say "everything will be okay" making the sin not seem as big as it is, and almost sounding like i support it

Example B.
Leadership. Aparently I can be an influential person. Go figure. But since coming to the sobering revalation that I have been using my Holy Spirit given gifts to serve Satan, i have realised that in a group of friends I have been a gossip initiator and supporter, or have dominated conversations with pride.

If you have been around me though lately I hope you have noticed my intentional shifting, and I am choosing to serve God only. I mean its not like I was intentionally serving the enemy, but when Mia put it that way, I realised I so was.

Also, one of the main things that got me so passionate about serving the poor is the Cariboo Hill Temple street ministry. When I moved out and came to live in vancouvers downtown eastside the Lord made it very clear to me to continue serving with CHT in this ministry. I was faithful to that, until you guessed it, a few months ago. I began to care more about myself then others. I began wanted to hang out wiht my friends rather then serve the poor. I began to only go to Cariboo if I was teaching that night, or if certin people were there, and it became what was convient for me. So now, I have made a commitment to serve with the soup truck, which includes the prep and the clean up, every week until I move.

I have an addictive personality. Its generational, but also very much my own sin. If its not drugs it was shopping. If it wasnt shopping it was food. If it wasnt food it was stealing. If it wasnt stealing it was smoking. If it wasnt smoking it was coffee. A few months ago I came to the realisation that I was drinking coffee not becuase i was addicted but because I wanted to be. I realised I had some issues. So I recently confessed to some members in my communtiy, which brings healing, (James 5), an addiction of mine, and since being freed from that, I have just picked up a new one. I guess i need to break this generational addiction cycle thingy...hmm

Oh rebellion thats another thing. Im a rebel and I like it. That cant be too good. Some people lable me as a rebel. I had a friend say once "I always could see you has one of those officers who would bend all the rules" (just repeating the words, not saying i agree or disagre) another conversation included this "Ya Nicole, Sam and Dave are comingg\" "Whos Nicole?" "The rebellious one" "Oh ya"...anyways my point is I kinda have an edge to me, but I like it when people identify me with a rebellious nature. Is that on okay thing? I mean I dont want to be rebellious to the Lord. And its funny, like addiction, I broke the rebellious chains recently, but simply traded one form of rebellion for another...when will I learn.

Hiding. I like to hide. Especially my sins. Who doesnt? Thing is, if i could just die to my sinful nature allready, i would have any sins, and there fore i wouldnt have to hide.. Man, but over the past little while, God has really surfaced some things, and somethings I simply couldnt hide, and after exposeing and feeling volnerable, I think I still want to hide. But the support of being volnerable is great too. I just dont know....

Last point...I think...
I dont like confritaion. Anyone who knows me knows that. I will rarely call somone on there sin, or on a mistake, and if I do, as soon as I recieve any form of defencivness i will instead pull the your right and im wrong tactic, even if I am perfecty correct, just to avoid the possibility of confrentation. Which goes with my poor acountibility skills. If I am to hold a friend accountable, I suck at that becuae I dont want to ask how thaey have been doing in a certin area incase they have backslid, I dont want to have to confront them on it.

I suppose thats all for tonight...sorry its increadibly long. I probaly wont post for a little while so youll have some time...i just needed to write some of this out becuase I am going crazy.

Gods totally doint all this now to prepare and refine me I know...but all at once! oy vay!

Comment please and help me out...

For real...how many people read the whole post?

So RAW is finished, and what a week it was.

One of my favorite things in the world is witnessing youth mobalised into mission, it stirs me up so much.
The last 4 days I got to see over 40 kids serve the LORD. I got to see over 40 kids give up there spring break to come to the downtown eastside and love the poor, I got to see over 40 kids worship the living God in new ways. Man am I ever pumped!

"Its funny, as soon as I stopped thinking what I could get out of worship and started thinking about others, I began to feel the LORDs presnce, I have never felt the Holy Spirit like this before" Tasha Chooi, Victoria, Age 16

Woo Hoo.

Thats just one of the many great testimonys from the week.
What are you doing March 18-21 2007? Why not come to RAW!

I had the blessing this week of co-organising the missions out. Now, I am not one to get stressed, but this weekend I must confess I did get a tad stressed. I am generally a people-oriented person, but with the missions I was task-oriented which was great becuase things needed to be done, but when sessions ran overtime and stuff I got slightly stressed becuase that ment that the missions would start late. But, I look back on it now and see that its all good. Sure it wasnt perfect, but when I asked my friends about their highs of RAW, I got many responces back on the missions, and how they wanted more street time. That was encouraging for sure.

We had great speakers, Steven Court, Danielle Stickland, Aaron White, Jonathan Evans, Andy Harrington, Amy Reardon and Micheal Collins speaking on Ezekiel 37 and breathing life into dry bones. We were blessed to worship under the leading of Jonny Michel. And praying in the 24/7 prayer room was pretty righteous itself.

If you were at RAW, leave a comment on your thoughts.

Oh, and I was formatting my template, and lost all my contacts...if you were on my blogroll previously and currently are not, please leave a comment so I can re put you on...Chella Im talking about you!

So RAW is finished, and what a week it was.

One of my favorite things in the world is witnessing youth mobalised into mission, it stirs me up so much.
The last 4 days I got to see over 40 kids serve the LORD. I got to see over 40 kids give up there spring break to come to the downtown eastside and love the poor, I got to see over 40 kids worship the living God in new ways. Man am I ever pumped!

"Its funny, as soon as I stopped thinking what I could get out of worship and started thinking about others, I began to feel the LORDs presnce, I have never felt the Holy Spirit like this before" Tasha Chooi, Victoria, Age 16

Woo Hoo.

Thats just one of the many great testimonys from the week.
What are you doing March 18-21 2007? Why not come to RAW!

I had the blessing this week of co-organising the missions out. Now, I am not one to get stressed, but this weekend I must confess I did get a tad stressed. I am generally a people-oriented person, but with the missions I was task-oriented which was great becuase things needed to be done, but when sessions ran overtime and stuff I got slightly stressed becuase that ment that the missions would start late. But, I look back on it now and see that its all good. Sure it wasnt perfect, but when I asked my friends about their highs of RAW, I got many responces back on the missions, and how they wanted more street time. That was encouraging for sure.

We had great speakers, Steven Court, Danielle Stickland, Aaron White, Jonathan Evans, Andy Harrington, Amy Reardon and Micheal Collins speaking on Ezekiel 37 and breathing life into dry bones. We were blessed to worship under the leading of Jonny Michel. And praying in the 24/7 prayer room was pretty righteous itself.

If you were at RAW, leave a comment on your thoughts.

Oh, and I was formatting my template, and lost all my contacts...if you were on my blogroll previously and currently are not, please leave a comment so I can re put you on...Chella Im talking about you!

Is there ever a time when there is too much mercy.

I like to walk in Mercy some like to call it a gift. But in my relationships I have recently run into situations that could have been avoided.

For example, I am in a relationship with this friend and we are working on some freedom things. God will bring things up and this person might not want to deal with them, so I will pull the mercy card and say, okay...when your ready, or pull the compassion card and not press in. Now this person is at a place she could have reached two months ago if I alowd more room for boldness.

Similarily I am in another relationship with another friend. She emailed me the other day with a heavy questions that related to her sin. My initial reaction was to again pull out mercy and assure her its okay. When I should tell her how wrong it is, and how it will lead to death.

In most of my offical disicpling relationships I avoid structure becuase my friends dont want to they just want to hang out. Which is okay, if when we hang out we are hanging out in mission, but just to sit and chat when we have set aside this time for structured disipleship is different. But becuase they dont want to go through the arrival kit or whatever we wont...and it becomes a pattern and freedom isnt reached and if it is, then it wasnt reached as quickly as it could have.

So is it possible to walk in too much mercy, and am I even walking in mercy in these situations.

RAW is coming up in a few short days. I am pumped. One of the things that stirs me up is seeing youth mobalised in mission. I cant wait to see how it comes about.

We have this 'class' friday mornings called Holy Space. Today was wonderful, I was able to bless my friends and also was blessed. We did this speed dating, type idea, but blessing style, and blessed eachother for 30 seconds. I had so many people confirm some stuff within me aswell as really encouraging me in my leadership, something I really needed to hear right then. And had my, for lack of better words, "calling" confirmed aswell. It feels good.

I am in a new place of surrender these days. And its good.

So I am offically moving to Victoria...yeehaw, and I havent told my boss yet. I am off work for a week due to RAW and I am kinda freaked out to tell her...pray for me.

So the weather out here has been weird. Yesterday it snowed, hailed, rained and was really sunny, today I woke up to the snow (lots of it too) and then it was sunny enough not to where my winter jacket.

I have seen God work in the little things today and it is good. There were tiny details for RAW that were needing to work out, and allthough they in themselves would not have effected anything, it is good to know they are covered and smooth.

Anyways I probally wont blog until after RAW, but stay tuned for some really great stories to follow.

Caller ID is terrible. I wish I could take it off my phone. But becuase I have this great package deal its free and to remove it would actually change my contract, and by changing my contract I would be outa money.

Why do I dislike caller ID so much...becuase today I avoided a call. Not becuase it was a number I didnt know, not becuase it was someone I was giving the silent tretemnt too, not becuase it was someone stalking me, not even because I was busy...but becusae I simply didnt want to be bothered.

It was my friend, my brother, Gary who is in hospital right now. I reconised the number and avoided his call becuase I was too selfish and full of pride to talk to him. I knew he was calling to ask if someone could come visit him, and not wanting to I avoided the call. Do we understand this...my friend who is lonley and scared in the hospital called me likely for a freindly voice and for comfort, yet I ignored the call.

Needless to say, I got fairly convicted afterwords, and now I am on my way to go visit him.

So I was out in Langley last night with some friends, it was great...we had a sleepover party. I love how I rarely see and talk to my "camp" friends anymore, but when we do its as if we never parted.

I love watching my friends use there gifts. Tongiht I was blessed to watch the Cariboo Hill Temple Songsters put on a musical...good times.

So, its offical Im moving to Victoria come May. I have known I was for awhile now, but now that its offical it seems so wierd. I have a hard time making friends. Well lets refrase that, I make friends easy, but alowing the friendships to model that of David (Son of Jesse) and Jonathan (son of Saul) is something I am weak at. These close friendships I have never experinced...and allthough I am no where near that currently I am alot closer then I have been, and the thought of moving away is kinda sad. But dont get me wrong, I am quite excited too. Actually I am very excited!! Its just wierd, it doesnt seem real.

Please pray for wisdom for me. I like spending money too much, and I am going to need to save up some cash to start life out in Victoria.

So I was out with my 6 year old disciple Haven yesterday and we had colored some pictures and wrote messages on them. "Jesus loves you", "You are beautiful", "May the Lord bless you" etc. and we were handing them out to our neighbors on the streets. At first Haven was shy and wanted me to hand them out and talk to the people. So I told her she would tell me who she thought we should give one to, and I would do the talking. The first guy was sitting by himself on the street, Haven handed me a picture and I gave it to him saying "My friend here drew this and wants to give it to you", when he saw it he got a really big smile on his face and you could see that it had uplifted him. After Haven said that she was ready to give the next one. We went into one of the stores down here and gave one to the cashier, he was so thankful for it. He then gave Haven a granola bar from his store. Then we were outside again and she wanted to give one to this other guy. This next guys name was Mike. You wouldnt beleive how uplifted he was. He stared talking to Haven, and Haven was talking back...about how she lives here and that she likes soccer, and you could really see how having Mike talk to a child was moving ground in the spirit. Oh and he gave her a toy he had. Its kinda neat how we went out to give things to our neighbors and bless our neighbors with no intention of recieving ourselves and yet Haven got blessed too. So we were on our way to Knee Drill (our weekly prayer meetings) and our conversation with Mike was going to make us late, so Haven invited him to knee drill and he came! How rad, my 6 year old friend recuited one of our neighbors. I had to leave knee drill early so I dont know how Mike was after, but I hooked him up with my friend Craig and we'll see the fruit im sure.