so ive been in a wierd place these last few months.
warning this may be a longer post...but do take time reading it, it is my heart pourred out.
each paragraph is a new though.

God has been revealing alot of stuff to me, showing me alot of stuff, and I have been choosing to ignore it really. But now, I am accepting it...read on.

After a conversation with my good friend Mia (Its her birthday today too!) I have come to the conclution that i have used my spiritual gifts to serve Satan...

Example A.
Mercy. As you may have read on a recent post of mine I play the merciful comfortor sometimes. If i have a friend who is in sexual sin, I will be all compassionate and mericful and serve Satan by rather then speaking truth and saying "stop its wrong" ill be the shoulder to cry on and say "everything will be okay" making the sin not seem as big as it is, and almost sounding like i support it

Example B.
Leadership. Aparently I can be an influential person. Go figure. But since coming to the sobering revalation that I have been using my Holy Spirit given gifts to serve Satan, i have realised that in a group of friends I have been a gossip initiator and supporter, or have dominated conversations with pride.

If you have been around me though lately I hope you have noticed my intentional shifting, and I am choosing to serve God only. I mean its not like I was intentionally serving the enemy, but when Mia put it that way, I realised I so was.

Also, one of the main things that got me so passionate about serving the poor is the Cariboo Hill Temple street ministry. When I moved out and came to live in vancouvers downtown eastside the Lord made it very clear to me to continue serving with CHT in this ministry. I was faithful to that, until you guessed it, a few months ago. I began to care more about myself then others. I began wanted to hang out wiht my friends rather then serve the poor. I began to only go to Cariboo if I was teaching that night, or if certin people were there, and it became what was convient for me. So now, I have made a commitment to serve with the soup truck, which includes the prep and the clean up, every week until I move.

I have an addictive personality. Its generational, but also very much my own sin. If its not drugs it was shopping. If it wasnt shopping it was food. If it wasnt food it was stealing. If it wasnt stealing it was smoking. If it wasnt smoking it was coffee. A few months ago I came to the realisation that I was drinking coffee not becuase i was addicted but because I wanted to be. I realised I had some issues. So I recently confessed to some members in my communtiy, which brings healing, (James 5), an addiction of mine, and since being freed from that, I have just picked up a new one. I guess i need to break this generational addiction cycle thingy...hmm

Oh rebellion thats another thing. Im a rebel and I like it. That cant be too good. Some people lable me as a rebel. I had a friend say once "I always could see you has one of those officers who would bend all the rules" (just repeating the words, not saying i agree or disagre) another conversation included this "Ya Nicole, Sam and Dave are comingg\" "Whos Nicole?" "The rebellious one" "Oh ya"...anyways my point is I kinda have an edge to me, but I like it when people identify me with a rebellious nature. Is that on okay thing? I mean I dont want to be rebellious to the Lord. And its funny, like addiction, I broke the rebellious chains recently, but simply traded one form of rebellion for another...when will I learn.

Hiding. I like to hide. Especially my sins. Who doesnt? Thing is, if i could just die to my sinful nature allready, i would have any sins, and there fore i wouldnt have to hide.. Man, but over the past little while, God has really surfaced some things, and somethings I simply couldnt hide, and after exposeing and feeling volnerable, I think I still want to hide. But the support of being volnerable is great too. I just dont know....

Last point...I think...
I dont like confritaion. Anyone who knows me knows that. I will rarely call somone on there sin, or on a mistake, and if I do, as soon as I recieve any form of defencivness i will instead pull the your right and im wrong tactic, even if I am perfecty correct, just to avoid the possibility of confrentation. Which goes with my poor acountibility skills. If I am to hold a friend accountable, I suck at that becuae I dont want to ask how thaey have been doing in a certin area incase they have backslid, I dont want to have to confront them on it.

I suppose thats all for tonight...sorry its increadibly long. I probaly wont post for a little while so youll have some time...i just needed to write some of this out becuase I am going crazy.

Gods totally doint all this now to prepare and refine me I know...but all at once! oy vay!

Comment please and help me out...

For real...how many people read the whole post?