I should write long blogs abuot my issues more often...it racks up the comments.

So I hear everyhting you say about revolution vs rebellion and all that stuff. And the thing is I totally agree. LIke I KNOW in my head thats what is good, but I dont beleive in my heart it can happen.

Like I KNOW that it is for freedom I have been set free. And I KNOW he who the son sets free is free. I KNOW Jesus brings freedom, and that there is freedom for captives...but I do not belive in my heart, that I can be free. I know and believe you and the next guy can be free, but me? not at all.

Same things goes with my identity. The identity I have chosen to walk in is rebel, becuase I have insecurityis with anything else because anything becomes unframilar and new. So I have been challenged recently to listen to God on what he thinks of me. Yet I cannot accept anything he says. He may say Im strong or that I am beautiful or whatever, and I KNOW its from God...but there is some block that my heart will not beleive it.

And its so fruststrating, becuase my head knows, but my heart wont recieve. This goes with my identigy, my security, freedom and holiness...I know all are attainable and simple to get, but my heart doenst know that. I KNOW its simple, but I beleive it has to be hard.

Have I ever told you I love going through the refiners fire....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I was at my friends sentancing today. She got a life sentance, serving the minimum before elegibal for parole. So basically she was deemed guilty but got the minimum sentancing for it. So with good behaviour she can get out on parole in 10 years. She'll be 32 and Ill be 31 when that happens. Crazy.

The verdict was in, she was declared guilty. We all knew it was over, and we couldnt do anything to change anything, but it didnt kick in unill the judge actually spoke the sentancy..I cried. I think that makes a grand total of 2 times I have cried this year.

While I was in the courtroom I couldnt help but parrell it. As Hannah was sitting there before the sentancing you could just read off her "I know I screwed up, and I cant do anything about it now" and I began thinking about sin with the Lord. Like I look at what im going through right now and I think "I know Ive screwed up and I cant do anything about it now...my judgemnt is due" Under Canadian Law, the sentance for murder is life. Yet with Hannah, she can get out in 10 years. Under Canadian law she doesnt deserve that. Its like Gods grace. Ive allowed myself to get caught up in lies, and rebellion and seeking human approval then Gods, and I dont deserve anything. I deserve to be sentanced to life in Hell, I deserve to be kicked out and laughed at, I deserve to be spat out of the mouth of God, yet its his grace that Im given forgivness and love.

I dont get His grace. So undeserved, yet so free.