I have been spiritually unwell for so long that now that I am better I have forgotten where the line is from personal suffering and the type of suffering Paul talks about. And I got to thinking, maybe there shouldnt be a line. I shouldnt be able to tell when things are bad because of my own problems or becuase of someone elses, but I should treat them all the same, isnt that really what community is and what being a follower of Jesus looks like. When my friend is sad I am heartbroken too. When my neighbour is being treated in an unjust manner this should make me angry as if it was happening to me.

I am scared to answer the question "How are you" these days becuase the truth is I am not okay. I am not scared of the truth I am scared of how others will interperate that. So just to get it out there I am okay as in the things that tied me up a couple months ago are not tying me up but I am not okay as in the things that are tying my friends and my neighbours up are tying me up too. And here I still feel as if I have to explain my every emotion and explain that Nicole is fine but Nicoles soul is downcast. I hate it. I dont want to grow up. I want to be in the comfort of innocence. I want my mommy.

In PTB the other day we prayed some solid scriptures on grace. The whole time I didnt stop saying I need grace. We were supposed to thank the Lord for his grace and I realised I am in desperate need for His grace.

I am in desperate need for the Lord. The other day I was sitting in my comfortable house and in my comfortable clothes and in the comfort of my selfishness and I didnt want to leave. I wanted to remain comfortable. While my neighbours are ten feet away dying in their addiction and dying in their pain and dying in there lonliness. What did I do? I remained in my comfort and stayed at home. Since when do I do that? Since when did I start caring more about my pathetic self then about my friends then about my neighbours. I have gotten so used to being "burnt out" and to "needing time to heal" and to being told "not to do things until I am well" that I have lost the joy of loving. Suddenly to love became hard. I used to be alright at loving others and now it is a chore. Now I have gotten lazy in love and selfish and now I focus too much on myself. Now I look to please my flesh and have put the Kingdom on the back burner. When did that happen?

I just sat through a conversation between my friend and a co-worker. Long story short I did not agree with my co-worker. But instead of defending the widow I remained silent. I cared more about me then I did her. I miss the Lord.

LORD, HEAR MY CRY. FREE ME FROM MY FLESH. WHERE ARE YOU LORD. WHERE IS YOUR GRACE. HAVE I GONE THAT FAR. HAVE I GONE SO FAR THAT I CANNOT RETURN. WHERE ARE YOU. I NEED YOU.

and then He comes. He comes. He comes. He comes! He is here. Shining like the sun. He is not far. He is not long away. He is here. God is here. GOD IS HERE. Hallelujah He is here. His presence is His grace. I need his presence as I need his grace.

Remain in me and I will remain in you, He says.

My soul hurts. My soul is in pain and is in anguish. Too much rejection and too much fear. Too many people getting hurt. Too many people dying. Enough is enough. Where is the love. Where is the justice. Where is the hope. My soul hurts. But my spirit rejoices. It will always rejoice.

I realise this post is all over the place....its becuase my understanding, my thoughts and my emotions are all over the place too. I want to be focused. I want my undivided focus to be at the feet of Jesus. I want undivided focus on the King. For thats where it ought to be. Its not there though I dont think. It's also all over the place becuase I have written all the pages of my journal dry and until I go get a new one I am needed to process my thoughts before my mind explodes.

Oh and while I have been struggling with my selfishness and my confussion and my frustration and my rejection...I have likely (almost certainly) taken it out on others. So sorry to you.

So, I dont know what I am thinking and I dont know where I am with the Lord, but I do know I need him. And thats all I need to know anyways.