I have come recently (well actually not recently, Ive known for the last twenty years) to the conclution that I dont have friends.
Now this doesnt mean that those of you who are my friends, arent my friends, becuase infact I am truely blessed with great friends. I am blessed to have those to encourage. I am blessed to have those who encourage me. I am blessed to have those who guide me. I am blessed to have those to guide. I am blessed to have those to correct. I am blessed to have those who correct me. And I am blessed to have those to love and those who love me.
Please friends, dont be offended, becuase I value who you are, and I value the relationship we have.
Rather, what I mean is really not that simple.
Something is missing.
Growing up I always wanted to be the popular kid. (Who doesnt!) When I finally got there I wasnt satisfied. I ended up having lots of friends, but really having no friends at all.
Im a surface level person. (Granted this blog does infact defy that statement, however keep in mind there is a computer screen infront of me not a face) I dont let others in. I distant myself. I run away. I hide. I lie to upkeep my reputaion. I hold on the the tinest things as rejection. (stupid things like not recieving a reply to an email, or always having to call someone without ever being called)
The result of this is a lack of friends. A lack of community. I lack of authenticity.
Now this doesnt mean that those of you who are my friends, arent my friends, becuase infact I am truely blessed with great friends. I am blessed to have those to encourage. I am blessed to have those who encourage me. I am blessed to have those who guide me. I am blessed to have those to guide. I am blessed to have those to correct. I am blessed to have those who correct me. And I am blessed to have those to love and those who love me.
Please friends, dont be offended, becuase I value who you are, and I value the relationship we have.
Rather, what I mean is really not that simple.
Something is missing.
Growing up I always wanted to be the popular kid. (Who doesnt!) When I finally got there I wasnt satisfied. I ended up having lots of friends, but really having no friends at all.
Im a surface level person. (Granted this blog does infact defy that statement, however keep in mind there is a computer screen infront of me not a face) I dont let others in. I distant myself. I run away. I hide. I lie to upkeep my reputaion. I hold on the the tinest things as rejection. (stupid things like not recieving a reply to an email, or always having to call someone without ever being called)
The result of this is a lack of friends. A lack of community. I lack of authenticity.
A increase of lonlieness and an increase of feeling all alone.
Who do I go to when I need support?
Who comes to me when they need support?
When I ask these questions, my mind draws a blank.
I lack the fellowship as David and Jonathan shared. I hunger for that kind of friendships.
Athough friends, please BE BLESSED. Please dont feel any rebuke, for I hold on to my statement of earlier. I have great friends and I value you.
Oh, and please resist the "Nicole, Im your friend" comments.
4 comments:
Hey Nicole that sounds a lot like me.I take those little things as rejection to.Just a couple minutes ago i felt rejected because i did get the email i expected.Talk to ya later.
hey nicole! youre my friend!
haha! im hilarious! but seriously- i think youre less...not known than you think you are. but, its true...who do you run to? who runs to you?
lord knows ive tried.
maybe...maybe its cos you dont know me. and i dont know you. but like i said- i think we pretty much know each other.
we should be like davie and jono. could be fun. did they sleep together? can we?
That reads like a conflicted blog to me - you need friends and community and all that you long for it, where do you go to get it...but then you reassure all of us that we are your friends and not to be offended, or take it as a rebuke that we aren't good enough or meeting your needs.
After reading through your thoughts and thinking on them, I get that you're at a point of revelation. This is where the dreams come in about death. Supposedly in 'dream interpretation' dreaming someone has died means that they are about to undergo a drastic change in their life. Speaking Scripturally I believe the same is true - we must die to ourselves and our selfish desires before Christ can bring the change - but when WE do, HE does...
So, I'm praying for your death in this situation - that the veneer will drop, the light will spotlight in on the dark places you keep hidden so that Christ can reign and you can accept the friendships that He's already set up for you.
God bless you with acceleration in that.
grace,
Heather
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