I blogged this on the War Room blog aswell (blogroll to the right), and although they are similar, they have their differences, I recommend reading both.

Psalm 139 - How wonderfully complex he has made us!

Suddenly my mind is taken off myself. Psalm 139 is often reflected upon for personal edification, for personal knowledge of how the Lord has created you. I have long struggled with self-image, seeing myself as beautiful or accepting the Lord has made me 'good', and for years I have been directed to this Psalm for truth - yet never finding satisfaction or assurance from it, until now. Becuase it's not about ME! (yet I get that it is all at the same time). But, if we are saying that the Church is the Body of Christ, then wow - how fearfully and wonderfully you have made us - He knit us and formed us.

Or in Paul's first letter to Corinth, he says that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and that we are to glorify Christ with our bodies. Along with the above I have also struggled with putting toxins in my body, in the Lord's temple. And again directed to this verse for conviction and knowledge, but never got it fully. Sure I would live it out in faith, but it just makes so much more sense now. OUR body is a temple to the Lord. OUR bodies together is the Body of Christ, and the Body of Christ is where the Holy Spirit dwells. By poisening MY body I was poisening YOUR body, because MY body is part of the greater body, which is the Body of Christ.

In Matthew, Jesus boldly teaches that if your hand causes you to sin cut it off, or if you eye is the root of sin gauge it out. Again, I'm floored by the idea that it is no longer a personal thing, but for the WHOLE body. If there is a part of our body that is unclean or unholy we need to cut it off. Purge the Lord's temple of all that defiles.

And that's why it is so important to find your role, to know what part of the body you are. If you are not doing what you were created to do you will get weak and tired (as a whole). Figurativly, if you are the feet but are workign with your hands then you will get become weak and fall. We were not created to walk on our hands, try this for a day, not even, try this for a minute and you will soon fall, you will soon discover that walking on your hands will ruin you. Or if your 'role' is blinking, but you are operating the breathing, then it effects the eyes, which will dry out and vision becomes blurry (which will affect the legs in where to go...) Litrally, if you are created to work in helps, to be the aid of the eye, but instead of offering helps you are serving (with your hands) then the prophets vision is hindered (then the apostles direction is blurry, then the shepards could be leading the wrong flock, or the teachers teaching the wrong message....)

Im an evangelist, aparently, and for years I have not seen this and have been discouraged becuase the fruit of this is rotten. Sure I have seen numbers of people confess the name of our Lord but today only a handful of these converts continue to confess the name of Jesus. When using this to deny this 'gifting' it was shown to me that this is when the body part responsible for dischiplship, teaching and pastoring is to do what it was created to do and that I need to do what I was created for.

This is why identity, and knowing who you are in Christ becomes ever so important. If you dont know who you are, or what you are supposed to do, how then do you do it. I stopped preaching salvation and using testimony becuase since the fruit has gotten rotten I figured it wasnt my role to play, and have been wrestling for a long time trying to find out my 'identity'. And without identity you are nothing. If you dont have a passport or I.D Card you cannot prove your existence.

Know who Christ is and know who you are IN him. (In him, in his body - wow).

It's not easy though eh? It's not as simple as saying ok you are the hand, you are the heart, you are the knee...or you are the servent, you are the compassionate or you are the intersessor....you've got to figure out the nervous system, and the immune system and the pinky toe-nail.

How do you do it then???? By consulting the rest of the body!

Oh man, how wonderfully complex this all is.

We are the salt of the earth and the light of the world.
Taste (salt) and see (light) that the Lord is good.
Mouth and eyes.
I wonder if our evangelism should come from the mouth and eyes. What I mean is that sure a large part of what we clasify as evangelism is what we say (mouth-taste-salt), but I think a larger part comes from what others see. (Eyes-see-light).
I heard a great preacher the other night talk about the image of Christ and in the end encouraged us to pray that we would see Christ in others and that others would see Christ in us. And furthered his action points with approaching people and telling them where they see Christ. So, I suggest the same to you, email, call, text, visit someone and tell them where you see Christ in them.

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The knowledge of Salvation is the forgivness of sins. (Luke 1:77)

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In studying salvation...I came across Isaiah 1, and found it interesting (and assuring) that salvation is active. A lot of verses talk about us being washed and clensed by the Lord (and Im not knocking those in anyways, as we cannot DO anything to be saved, salvation can ONLY come from the LORD and by His grace and not by what we do) but in Isaiah it tells us to wash ourselves, to cease to do evil, to do good, to seek justice, to correct oppression, to bring justice to the fatherless and to please the widows case. Though your sins are like scarlet they shall be as white as snow, though they are red like crimson they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient you shall eat the good of the land. (Isaiah 1:16-19)

Later in Isaiah salvation is described as a hiding place and shelter.

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In the end I still have no idea what Im talking about, but I know I want to.
I'll be processing my reflections as I continue to reflect.

He is Risen. Hallelujah.

Risen...He rose from the dead, He is victorious. Death cannot even hold Him back. He is the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE.

Life conquers death.

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I wonder if we ever under spiritualise things to avoid over spiritualising instead. I know I do. What happens when we under spiritualise things? We put the Lord on a back burner, we take glory and we take the credit, we think God isnt as big as He is, God now becomes incapable and our faith isnt given room to grow.

What happens when we over spiritulise things? I dont know. Is it such a bad thing afterall?

I am such a logical thinker and I look at reality all too deeply. But come on, Christ rose from the dead, that's not very logical according to human standards, nor does it fall into the catagory of reality - but it is still very real and it is still extremely cool.

If we are going to take on one extreme over another, I think it's safer to over spiritulise things.

Maybe I am using the wrong adjectives to express what I mean. But I think there is more danger in not recognising when the Lord moves as opposed to recognising it too much.

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Is it wrong to be a people pleaser, or to want to make people happy. I don't think it is. I mean sure there is that time Paul talks about not pleasing people as it doesn't matter, but to please God is our main objective, and I agree full on with that. But I would suggest the Lord is pleased...greatly pleased when we do something for someone else. I am often told I am a people pleaser, and I'm okay with that. If I do something like lend my car here or pick up something there or take on an extra shift at work or whatever and by doing that someone else is happy then I will continue doing it, for I think when other people are happy the Lord is happy and that is why I am here - to please the Lord.

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So we just had RAW here in Vancouver, a great time. A bunch of teens all over BC spent their March break loving the Lord and serving the poor. One night we did this Tabernacle thing, set up some stations one with incense another reflecting on Christ and another of the holy of holies. The entire time we had this Matt Redman song on repeat "Are the Prayers of the saints like sweet smelling incense"...and me in my pride and in my selfishness began to think, no they are not. More people could be praying, there could be some more intersession, louder praise, etc. I was sad thinking that we weren't praying enough or weren't praying well and I didn't even ask the Lord...and then I asked him...are our prayers like sweet smelling incense expecting Him to say no and being discouraged...but I was humbled yet again by His response. He said yes, these prayers are like sweet smelling incense and an aroma that is very pleasing. The Lord loves it when His people pray and it is always a pleasing aroma when we pray.

While at RAW we were worshipping and the worship leader asked us if we wanted more, "Who wants more, more of the Lord" he asked. Now Im not denying that statement by any means, and I agree with it fully, that we should always be wanting, needing, desperatly searching for more of the Lord. But when he asked us that I heard the Lord say, I want more of you. The Lord wants more of us. It's a two way stream...we want more of the Lord and He wants more of us. He really wants more of us. All of us.

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Two people I love dearly and are very close to me have both resently been diagnosed with medical conditions both of which are controlled by diet and what you intake. I wonder what the Lord is doing? I'm not one to over-spiritualise things but I just wonder. A few years ago a bunch of people I knew where having heart issues. One had a heart attack, another was born with a heart murmur, someone else had a bypass and a forth was having unknown complications with her heart...through this the Lord was speaking to our hearts. How our hearts need to be right and clean...etc. And then recently I kept hearing about people and strokes which are complications in the brain and wondered if the Lord is teaching us to worship him with all our minds. And now is the Lord saying we need to rely on Him and His word to fill us. To watch our intake and make sure we don't consume anything that will harm us. In one sense why not...I mean the Lords truth and instruction is to work on having a clean heart, to lean all our understanding on Him, to worship Him with our whole mind and to flee from that which will harm and to intake all that is good. Either way it is still truth and still something we should do...but does recent events have any deeper meaning?

silence.

you know that 400 years of silence before Jesus was born...i think im going to adapt that life style for a bit

God is really really Holy.

Someone got on my case about my lack of bloggage (ht:ll), so excuses of being busy and my computer being out of commission aside I shall bring you a blog...

As part of our Corps we hit the streets weekly in an attempt to save souls...and I've been wanting to highlight Street Combat for the past few weeks anyways, so when better then my long overdue blog to do it.

Two weeks ago while on Street Combat I saw real live ninjas, got called quote "a ding-a-ling", and was also unable to deny being a cop.

But I want to highlight last weeks Street Comabt more (but perhaps the Ninja sighting will be expanded on later)

Last week we began by looking at Luke 10, specifically the Parable of the Good Samariten. "Who is our neighbour" and inquiring mind asked and Jesus replied with the Good Samariten story - you know the one where this one dude is beaten up badly and a couple socially accepted guys walk by and cross the street specifically to avoid him, and then this socially unaccepted guy shows mercy and compassion. So we dwelled on this passage and were encouraged to meet our neighbours with mercy and compassion.

We met together in a dark alley to pray and then split up into two's to walk the streets and meet our neighbours. Rob and I walked a few steps over to a coherant, although high, couple and asked if they were our neighbours. Dude, later identified as Jaden, said he wasnt from around here but jsut gets high here. He then asked, shockingly, "Why do you live down here?". Rob lives in the Balmoral Hotel and when that was said to Jaden he laughed and told us he buys his dope their and I guess that makes us neighbours. We had a fairly surface level conversation with Jaden and his girlfriend Rebecca, until the cops rolled up and they fled.

During our conversation with these two, about a foot away was this other guy. Sitting on the wet and slimey ally ground. Just shot up some heroin and was falling over, non-coherant, and couldnt speak. I considered crossing by and not talking to him, becuase my interaction with guys in this state of mind has not been fruitful. But then I remembered the scripture we focused on and got convicted. I was just like the priest or the temple worker who crossed over to avoid inconvienence. I repented and we went to talk to this guy, later idetified as Jimmy.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"mmmfffbuufmm" He replied.

"Are, you okay? How can we help"

"mmffbuumffnm"

"Can we help you, What's your name"

"mmffbummsf"
At this point my mercy and compassion were quickly fading as he was unresponsive.

"Can we call the paramedics for you, you arent looking so hot..."

"Go" I thought I heard

"If you want us to go we can, but Im going to call the paramedics"

"No" I thought I heard this time.
But it was pretty clear he was in need of some medical attention. Couldnt sit up straight. Going in and out of conscieouness. Used needle beside him. Body fluids escaping him...

"Help" He said, proving my previous interpreations wrong.
He then reached his hand out towards me and I helped him sit up straight.

"Hey, I'm Nicole, and this is Rob. What's your name"
"Jimmy"

Jimmy began to have a very with-it conversation with us. He offered us some of his Twix bar and Nacho Chips. I asked him if he was our neighbour and he said "If you live down here then you sure are, becuase you are standing in my living room" He then made some sexual joke about inviting me over to his bedroom but it was in good humour - he wasnt being creepy really. I sat down beside him and we talked some more, about the weather, how our days were and eventually about salvation. He suddenly became very concerned about where I was sitting as he thought I was on his needle. I thought he was concerned only becuase he didnt want to lose it...turns out he was more concerend about my safetly. But the needle was a good distance from me a whole 4 inches anyways.

At one point his friend Olivia came to borrow his crack pipe. As he handed it to her he was very clear (this is the same guy who 10 minutes earlier could not form a word) that she could use it as long as it was around the corner, becuase we were his new friends and he didnt want us around that. I actually didnt mind, but it was really nice of him to care about us and to call us his friends.

Suddenly it was already 10:20 and we had to get going, but Jimmy assured us that we could come over and visit him anytime. I left feeling a bit unsatisfied. I felt like nothing was done, and that we didnt make any difference...but then I had to remember that this was the same person I was ready to call emergency personell in for. I arrived feeling scared for Jimmy's life and left feeling safe about leaving him. I guess God did move.

The beauty of Street Combat is that it forces me to meet my neighbours. During the week I can be selfish. Do the things I have to do, go to the places I have to go - but rarely do I just go out meeting my neighbours. Street Combat makes that easy for me to do.

This post is already long I know, but I can't deny you the Ninja story, as it is good.

So I'm walking down Cordova on my way to Oppenhiemer Park when I see a couple squad auto's and a few more ghost cars. "Ohh, there's police, let's j-walk" I said and we crossed the street. We met this lady who was fairly hard to miss with her wild orange hair. "What's going on" we asked and she said that the police had evacuated her apartment building and they had been waiting outside for a couple hours already. We got to talking, Fern was her name, and she seemed quite lovely. Then these two guys dressed in black, complete with semi-automatics and black toques (the kind that cover the face) walk out of the apartment and into their Ninja car. Some like to call them SWAT teams, I prefer the term ninja. The the paddy wagon rolls up and I suggest that maybe they were not for this bust...it was here Fern called me a ding-a-ling, becuase clearly the paddy wagon was here for the action too.

We continued walking through Oppenheimer Park and met three others from this apartment. We asked them their names and if they were from acrose the street and it was here I was called a cop. Even after denying that, and pointing out the red and white shield on my coat, these three remained unconvinced. Then my phone rang "See, you are a cop...cops have nice cell phones like that"...My conversation didnt help my cause.

"Ya Liv, just park the car on Powell and bring the keys to the truck, Im on Street Combat but I'll be there soon"...yup didnt sound like a cop at all hey....

Always a good story from Street Combat - come out if you're in the area - 2130h at the Command Center every Sunday night.

And don't forget to check out the Vaniety Issue of JAC, available at armybarmy.com.

God is here.

I have been spiritually unwell for so long that now that I am better I have forgotten where the line is from personal suffering and the type of suffering Paul talks about. And I got to thinking, maybe there shouldnt be a line. I shouldnt be able to tell when things are bad because of my own problems or becuase of someone elses, but I should treat them all the same, isnt that really what community is and what being a follower of Jesus looks like. When my friend is sad I am heartbroken too. When my neighbour is being treated in an unjust manner this should make me angry as if it was happening to me.

I am scared to answer the question "How are you" these days becuase the truth is I am not okay. I am not scared of the truth I am scared of how others will interperate that. So just to get it out there I am okay as in the things that tied me up a couple months ago are not tying me up but I am not okay as in the things that are tying my friends and my neighbours up are tying me up too. And here I still feel as if I have to explain my every emotion and explain that Nicole is fine but Nicoles soul is downcast. I hate it. I dont want to grow up. I want to be in the comfort of innocence. I want my mommy.

In PTB the other day we prayed some solid scriptures on grace. The whole time I didnt stop saying I need grace. We were supposed to thank the Lord for his grace and I realised I am in desperate need for His grace.

I am in desperate need for the Lord. The other day I was sitting in my comfortable house and in my comfortable clothes and in the comfort of my selfishness and I didnt want to leave. I wanted to remain comfortable. While my neighbours are ten feet away dying in their addiction and dying in their pain and dying in there lonliness. What did I do? I remained in my comfort and stayed at home. Since when do I do that? Since when did I start caring more about my pathetic self then about my friends then about my neighbours. I have gotten so used to being "burnt out" and to "needing time to heal" and to being told "not to do things until I am well" that I have lost the joy of loving. Suddenly to love became hard. I used to be alright at loving others and now it is a chore. Now I have gotten lazy in love and selfish and now I focus too much on myself. Now I look to please my flesh and have put the Kingdom on the back burner. When did that happen?

I just sat through a conversation between my friend and a co-worker. Long story short I did not agree with my co-worker. But instead of defending the widow I remained silent. I cared more about me then I did her. I miss the Lord.

LORD, HEAR MY CRY. FREE ME FROM MY FLESH. WHERE ARE YOU LORD. WHERE IS YOUR GRACE. HAVE I GONE THAT FAR. HAVE I GONE SO FAR THAT I CANNOT RETURN. WHERE ARE YOU. I NEED YOU.

and then He comes. He comes. He comes. He comes! He is here. Shining like the sun. He is not far. He is not long away. He is here. God is here. GOD IS HERE. Hallelujah He is here. His presence is His grace. I need his presence as I need his grace.

Remain in me and I will remain in you, He says.

My soul hurts. My soul is in pain and is in anguish. Too much rejection and too much fear. Too many people getting hurt. Too many people dying. Enough is enough. Where is the love. Where is the justice. Where is the hope. My soul hurts. But my spirit rejoices. It will always rejoice.

I realise this post is all over the place....its becuase my understanding, my thoughts and my emotions are all over the place too. I want to be focused. I want my undivided focus to be at the feet of Jesus. I want undivided focus on the King. For thats where it ought to be. Its not there though I dont think. It's also all over the place becuase I have written all the pages of my journal dry and until I go get a new one I am needed to process my thoughts before my mind explodes.

Oh and while I have been struggling with my selfishness and my confussion and my frustration and my rejection...I have likely (almost certainly) taken it out on others. So sorry to you.

So, I dont know what I am thinking and I dont know where I am with the Lord, but I do know I need him. And thats all I need to know anyways.

When I lose joy and when I lose hope I find that the common denominator is that I have lost the presence of the Lord.

When I am abiding with him I feel safe. I feel protected. When I feel safe I have joy and I have hope. When I have those things I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to share this good news with my friends and neighbours. When I feel hopeless I want to hide and be alone. I dont want to ruin someone elses day, and I dont want to bring anyone down.

What I need is Him. To be in his presence again. For within His presence I am safe.

How? Worship. Worship. Worship.

I know this, and it is so simple. Worship.

Meet Him at His feet. Bow down and worship the almighty. Becuase when we worship we dont bring this junk and these crap feelings with us, beucase its not about us and not about how we feel, how I feel....its about him and that is what worship does - honor him, and only him - none of me.

When I worship I forget about me - and thats what I need to be in His presence and to feel safe.

The answer is always worship.

AND A BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUTOUT TO CHERIE WHITE!
MANY BLESSINGS
LOVE YOU

The police love me these days.

Yesterday I got my first speeding ticket. I wasnt even going that fast. And I was in the states which only makes it worse.

Then tonight I was driving and got pulled over becusae they ran my plates and my name came up with "wanted". So he pulls me over, confiscates my keys, amung others and then clears my name and lets me go. (For the record I dont have a warrent out for my arrest)

I wonder what my next copper expierence will be!